GROWN UP

Hey mates! It's good to be back. These several months were so chaos and busy at the same time, but I 'm grateful because although the pandemic is really pain in the arse which generates to economic drastically slower down but I still have a job. 

Do you ever hear that working in the big city, especially when you wander off, it's way harder and tougher than you ever imagine? Yes, I'm facing those right now. Aside of stress from the job, I'm also home sick. These quiets drive me crazy, to be honest, but thanks to my mum who always encourages me whenever I'm down and stress out. It's feeling like magical to see the difference of my mum from she's not allowing me to pursue my dream as writer, to now she encourages me everytime we're talking on the phone. 

I've ever read that in the age 23-25 is the toughest because it's a transition from teenage to adult, where you've to start making your own decisions and be able to take the responsibility in whatever it caused you. Whenever you'r down, you aren't be able to drown in such a long time anymore like you used to. Now you're grown up, and you have to take care of your own. Sounds really terrified? Yes it is, but I bet you can go through this!

Things happen to me as well, especially I'm kind of person that really hard on myself (I know it's not good.) See, if you read these post [ THIS IS WHERE ALL START BEGINS ] and [WHEN I SAID IT, I MEANT IT], you can see how desperate and insecure I was. It's tough tho, since my job is really stressful but at some point I think that I have no time to be a brat. So, I face it, when I'm down, I cry for a while to let those things out and bring back the game.

I think lately my posts are a bit dark and weighted, thus please let me brighten up the post with sum photos in my phone. hahha

It comes to the end,
and I would like to say is, although grown up sometimes far from your expectation where things got harder and harder. Promise me to take responsibility in whatever decision you take, if you'r drown don't let it get you too long. Head up and conquer the world!

xx,

nessa

APPRECIATION POST

Hey mates! it's been awhile uh? hahah

pardon me.

Not because I don't wanna write, but I couldn't find any topic to talk about because I don't want to talk about Covid19, of course. Isn't because I don't care or something. I know all of you know about it and know what you should do so why on earth I still talking about it because I know the more you read, the more you'll feel anxiety. So without further ado, let's start!

first thing first, it's totally insane realizing that now I'm freaking 23!

Instead of thinking about I'm getting older and stuffs, I would like to count my blessing. Different from years before, this year people celebrate my birthday and if I can say this year is the first year I got surprised on my birthday and somehow I love it. Early in the morning my cousins surprised me with breads and sang out loud when I was about to enter pantry and looking for my Oreos because I'm starving to death hahah. Next, someone that I just knew virtually sent me a super delicious dark chocolate cake. Last but not least, warm wishes from my bosses and friends❤️

Years before I never enjoy my birthday, in fact I don't like it tho because I never feel like what majority people do where that day be their highlight of the year and whatsoever. Therefore, I recorded what I feel in my previous birthday why I don't enjoy it in my personal podcast that you can hear it in Apple Podcast name Isi Benakku

In last phrase I said, somehow I know there is a time where my birthday wasn't that bad anymore. And turns out this year is totally different although I'm still far apart from mum and dad):

Although it's too early to sum up this year in my life, but I would like to count on my blessing so I can keep in mind that I'm beyond blessed.

1. Finally I move out from my hometown

2. Finally one of my dream jobs is accomplished

3. After years proving to mum what I'm capable of, on this year she finally said that she proud of me

4. I don't dropping tears on my birthday anymore

My list ain't stop until number four, there is long way to go! 

This year I'm planning to go for a trip around Indonesia, hopefully I can make it *fingers crossed*

Before I end this post, I would like to attach photos as my appreciation to people who make my day brighter on my birthday

Thank You God.

WHEN I SAID IT, I MEANT IT.

Hello mates, somehow perhaps I've been writing constantly every months on my blog therefore when I missed it I feel something that just not right. Since I told you guys in my previous blog that in my upcoming post I'll write about my new job and be hold... I just got my new job and I can't wait to write more about it.

As what I've written that I'm anxious and somehow desperate that I haven't gotten a job, thus I just feel like I'm fail. I just know that God is really good and I believe since I'm don't give up I will get a job and yes.. after two weeks hectically finding job and interview, I get a job in Unithree as Content Writer. This is a creative agency headquartered in Jakarta, and I write for several big brands like KFC Indonesia, Holland Village Jakarta which part of Lippo and et cetera. Personally, those are huge!

Well although I really want to work in media company but I realized that now my skill not that advance, yet. Thus, it's totally fine starting from creative agency and what matters is I'm happy.

Thing getting better since I join broadcaster class every Saturday. I meet lots of people in class and all of them are hilarious and friendly in the same time! So far I learn a lot and met people who is expertise in their area from TV as well as Radio. 

I've ever mentioned that I have two dream jobs which are writer and radio broadcaster. 

Now I've achieved one of my dream job which is writer. Hopefully by now I'm working hard joining class, in future I can work at media company and become your favorite radio broadcaster!

So do you ever think of what is your dream job?

and do you work hard from it or just keep it as hobby?

If I can say I used to keep my dream job as hobby because of several issues, but hey now I do something I like as my job and I couldn't say what makes me happier than this. Looking forward to chase my bigger dream job which is radio broadcaster. I really recommend you to try chasing your dream job, and trust me you will feel like the happiest person in this beautiful world.

xx,

nessa  

THIS IS WHERE ALL START BEGINS.

Hei mates! so if I can say, February 2020 is the beginning of all. Starting from moving to new town, leaving all bad habits, "safe activity", and acceptance behind. Is it tough? 

Well, I never thought these coming but I go through it all. I have to. I meant, I'm about to go 23 this year and all I do now isn't only for today but thinking about what happen in the future as well. Not only about me, but my parents too. 

Maybe if you are a newbie reader of my blog, you definitely don't know what I go through these years. and yes, it pays off but funny that sometimes I'm thinking of "am I moving to Jakarta isn't a right idea?" but somehow I just know, I'm not that easy to give up and I definitely not going to let my parents down after they made a major decision to let me pursue my dream. 

Though and scratchy beginning. 

The first three paragraphs are just my abstract mind and thought before I explain everything. 

So since senior high third year, I got scholarship in Binus University but my mum didn't let me move to Jakarta because she said that because of financial issue. well, I can't force her because I have to think about her perception too. In short, I gave up. Years after years went by and I try to ask for permission about my intention to pursue my dream job as writer at Jakarta. Parents aint let me, again. In reason of I'm their only child. Maybe you think that I'm such a selfish chick that only think of what I want, not considering every factors. 

People that only judge by what they see will say so, but different with people who actually see me day by day. I literally live under pressure, about all people racism thought because of me as appearance, about I don't have right to study what I really passion of which is journalism, about that religion I want to choose. I'm exhausted. Funny that I don't realize all pressure right after my cousin literally tell me right in my face, and everything seems so clear. I'm living under control. 

Since then, I keep on asking permission although I have to face all rejections, tears, and anger. but I won't stop convincing them and here I am, moving out of town like exactly what I want since 2014. Happy? of course! Sad? Big yes, because I'm feeling that I can't leave my parents but now looking at both of them really appreciate one and another, looking so sweet. I'm beyond happy for them.

Things that actually make me thinking am I making a right decision is that when I'm facing rejection  after rejection while looking for a job. It was devastating, totally out of my expectation. Not because I never looking for a job or something, but thinking I put my best and I still failed. Am I not good enough? Or this just aint my time. Looking like all fresh from my skin but inside, I'm crushed.  

I'm just too hard on myself, my cousin told me. 

Am I? Well, Maybe. It's because I really want to make my parents happy and start giving back, financially. Although they don't ask for it but I just wanna start giving, I meant I'm about to hit 23 this year. 

But somehow I just know that everything happens just in the right time. All I and you have to do are keep on fighting and pray for it. 

And I know that on my upcoming post, I will write about my new job. #yay

If you are going through like I am now, it's totally fine. you are adult now and now or later you will always facing rejection. Therefore, just that it as motivation because in the end everything will be just fine. 

xx,

nessa

HELLO, 2020!

first and foremost, I wanna say HAPPY NEW YEAR 2020!! do you agree with me if I say 2019 flies way too fast? if do then we'r in the same page hahah because maybe in 2019 I've been so busy with my final paper to graduate as fast as possible and I made it. I start to travel more than before, in 2019 is my first time watching concert. Last but not least, my first time working as writer and start earning from my hobby since I was little, which is photography.

in short, there are lots of my "first time" in 2019 and I feel beyond blessed.

somehow I can feel something in 2020 and I feel like 2020 will be the start of all beginning. 

Tokyo, 2019

Tokyo, 2019

 This year I don't have any brand new resolutions or goal for myself because there are still some points of 2019's resolutions that I need to do this year which are move out from my hometown and find a job in Jakarta, travel to places in Indonesia that I've never been to, like Jogja, Bali, Sumba et cetera and lastly is hiking to Mount Prau. Hopefully this year I can tick all my resolutions. 

Talking about resolutions, I often read people's resolution is save more. so I've some tips that perhaps I can help you because this method helps my friend and I therefore I wanna share in my blog for several months ago but since I've topic to write so I pending this topic for a sec

before going to the points, do you ever think about what exactly makes you failed in saving? is it because of online shopping? or hang out with friends? or maybe just simply your salary hard to come up with your main outcome such as transportation fee, daily foods and residence which is basically a prime outcome?

from my research, teenagers at my age especially girls love online shopping not to mention when there is seasonal promo. I bet you get my point, in this case my method is: only install the online shopping app when you really need to buy that stuff and uninstall the app by the time the stuff you purchased is arrived. yes, I know it takes time and all that but believe me when the app is still there, you will open the app then the process will be from I don't want that stuff -> interested with that stuff -> I want it -> I need it -> I buy it. not to mention all notification about promo that keep on popping in your phone and drive you to check on this and that which leads you to keep on order and order things that maybe you don't need that. 

remember: buy stuff if you need it, not want it. 

Medan, 2019

see, I don't meant that hang out with friends is no good. it's just you need to check on your wallet for a while before you say "yes" to all invitations especially when the spot is cafe. we both know that cafe is quiet pricey, so my point is, make a target. set your priority. for instance, I really love cafe hopping with friends but I know it's pricey so I set target which is maximum 3 times per month and I always priority my friend who study or work outside the city I live in because we can't meet anytime we want, thus in this case both my relationship with friends and my finance are balance.

lastly is about salary hard to come up with the expenses although it's barely no extra shopping unnecessary stuffs. well, in this case it's better to start online business / freelance job. I totally get it mainly when it talking about girls. we, as a woman always have extra expenses if we compare to man. hair care, face care, body care, outfit, you name it. because of that, I sell my preloved stuffs and in order to buy, I have to sell my stuff first so the gap isn't too big between expense and income. 

Bangkok, 2019

and it's a wrap for my first blog post in 2020, can't wait to write more and more journeys on my upcoming blog post. 

gosh, never thought I would be this consistence in writing on my blog since the first time I start writing on 2014 😜

xx,

nessa

HOW I CLEARED MY SKIN [ WITHOUT ANY PRODUCT ]

hey mates! good to be back. I think I'm quite productive this month tho #justsaying

alright. in this post I will write a lot, like literally.... A LOT. 

I have suffered acne since I was primary 6 but thanks God now it is way better (it appears only during period which is tolerate-able). first thing first, I will tell you guys that my skin is combination but tend to the oily skin, acne prone skin and sensitive skin as well. wow! how complete yet complicated is that uh. so for you guys who has exactly same type with me, this is a perfect post for you to read but doesn't mean for who has different type of skin couldn't read this. 

which makes me super stress to find what skin product to use because my skin is sensitive, then it will have another new acne if the product is not suitable for me. if I can say, my face aint get any better up until I was junior high school thus I try to go to dermatology doctor. and yes! my face real smooth, all acne gone. but then after a year I start to think, what if the doctor is gone? , what if the doctor stop being a doctor anymore? how about my face then? I'm surely can't rely on this doctor anymore! because now I think about long-term effect. so yes, I stop using it and I know the consequence which is all acne will appear. I'm stressed out! no joke. in addition I stress about my life and school hence, it getting worst! any kind of acne medicine I've tried, give no result but instead it getting worst. I can't barely look at my face in mirror tho plus it hurts because it was so many thus when I talked/ laugh, I cheek will automatically extracted therefore it hurts the acne.

how I deal with it?

I started doing a research whether from reading or watching youtube video but I more focus on treat it with natural resources which is lemon. I tried. and guess what? I was super amazed! in only 1-2 days it vanished! since that day, I acclaimed lemon as my number 1 holy grail! no lie, you should try it. but my research journey didn't stop there, up until I watched a video (I forget whose video is that, pardon me) in that video, discuss about curing acne not only from outside like what people usually do. but actually, the most important is from inside which includes what we eat, life balance, and stress. I tried. again.

I do dairy diet (up until now), sweet diet(its hard, but I'm still trying), stop eating fried egg (although it is super tasty... ugh), more exercise for instance jogging, yoga and lastly I stop stressing a lot. I can't believe the result comes out within days. since that day, I believe the biggest impact for our skin is what from inside whether your body itself or your mind. it synchronizes. 

see. without any product, I can clear my acne too. you should try to have a healthy life too. 

eat clean and more excercise. but um... it doesn't mean I don't have cheat day. I do actually.

but it doesn't matter, as long as you do know your boundaries.

so its a wrap for this post, wait for my upcoming post because I will reveal my holy grail products to cure my acne as well. why do I still need it? considering the environment I live in right now is high in pollution therefore there will be dust in face that will cause acne as well.  

xx,

nessa

BUJO.

hey mates! good to be back.

so.. since December 2017 I was so into Bullet Journal ( or should I say bujo ) so much and I decided to start doing it in January 2018 and I still do until now. at first I watched one of my favourite Youtuber, her name is Jasmine (but she called herself Jusuf so..) I was so amazed about how her life is so organized and I think it is a good thing to implement. in addition, there are abundant recommendation of bujo videos from Youtube and I'm into it, eventually. and after 8-month I implement bujo in my life, I feel my life become so organized. which is a good thing. 

drawing is obviously not my forte but because of bujo, I tried my best in drawing and try to be creative because I don't want my planner is so plain and boring. but.. I'm still learning.

so these are some of my bujo theme, feel free to say your thought in comment box below I would love to read your comment! and oh, I will list down every things I use for my bujo.

book : Miniso

color brushes : Tombow, Sakura (KOI)

writing pen : Pilot

drawing pen : MyGel

I think its a wrap about this post because basically there are only little things to talk about but honestly I'm just so happy that I'm starting making planner now. kinda feel like my drawing skill improved....... lil bit.

see you guys on my upcoming post! #muchlove

xx,

nessa

STILL FIGURE IT OUT.

oh hey mates. I know I know I have been absent for almost two months, I'm sorry.  I don't know why suddenly this topic comes through my mind and I feel like wanna share it with you guys tho, so my background up until today ( Monday, 12 March 2018, 07:40 AM ) still Chinese and Buddhist in my Identity Card but some part of me myself says that this is not me. considering physically I really do not look at Chinese at all and yes, I believe in Jesus since I was primary two.

almost everyday since I was kid I have to help my parents to run their business and 98% of their customers thought I am their maid somehow there is lil bit of myself that hurt you know. up until now since I was little, I never really go along with both my mum and dad, instead I really close to my maids like seriously tho I can talk all day long with my maids. I really love them.

since I was little, everytime my mum mad at me or something I always told her ( my maid ) until one day when I was senior high. she gave a hint about my real identity ( she work for my parents for 15+ years so.. ) and it awaked me. she told me as physically I look different from others, most of their eyes are slanted meanwhile mine are big. most of their skin is white meanwhile I'm darker. and many more. in addition sometimes I do not feel like treat the way I should be treated like everyday I should home before 5 PM because she wants me to open her store which means I do not really have time with friends. I feel like trapped in this house and I hate it. 

so yeah, now I'm trying to figure out who I really am, what is my real background because it means a lot to me for now nor in future. why I say about future? okay let me tell you what. from I senior high up until now, Chinese men never chasing after me and guess what my parents are kinda racist which I hate it so much so you guys know what I'm going to type next.. and yes, I wanna married with christian man. Chinese or others are fine with me as long as he is christian but since Chinese men never attracted to me so maybe I should write " chinese  or others are fine with me ". the other reason why I really want to know my real identity is because I'm done telling others " I am Chinese " although deep down I know I'm not.

why now I feel emotional uh?! okay enough with this topic, I'm wanna share my favorite guy plus singer recently. Daniel Caesar. yes him. I never thought that I will love soul genre before I know him and I can heard his all tracks in Freudian album 24/7 tho. before sleep I listen to his voice, while study, while doing nothing and even now when I type this post I listen to his song. 

for you guys who curious about him, go check him out by click DANIEL CAESAR'S TRACKS .

next week I will go to Singapore with my classmates for study tour I am so freaking excited about it and I will share it in my blog so make sure you guys don't miss it alright? and yes everytime I post something new in my blog, I will announce it in my Instagram ( vneesaa ) I do hope we can be friend in my Instagram account(:

xx,

nessa

THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

oh hey mates! first thing first, this post is about love. i know it seems unlike me but yes it is about love. 

this afternoon i went to book store and read a book called " Memberi Jarak pada Cinta - FALAFU " translated become " Distance from Love - FALAFU " , then this book helps me a lot to overcome what i  went through which is broken heart and i just want to share with you guys who read my blog post. once again, thank you. actually it happened for a while already i just haven't found any inspiration to write about this stuff. see, we do know that people come and go sometimes it leaves a deep scars which is sucks. me, as example. this is the second times i face broken heart and this time really hurt a lots and i realized that i loved him to much i gave him all the love and i am such a  f o o l  because he hurt me not once or twice, but several times. but still, i forgive and forgive until there is a time where i just cant take it anymore then i decided to over it because i think that there is no point i stay with him and keep forgiving him but he just doesnt care.

no, i dont regret i break up with him, in fact im grateful that i have learnt to be more mature and selective. somehow there is a part of me that i regret i ever meet him. i do, i really do because i dont want to list down many exes in my relationship folder if you know what i mean tho. so in this book that i mentioned above, she taught me that if he doesnt worth it then you have to just let him go and fill your heart with someone who really worth it. its okay to let go rather than you keep hurting yourself . let me tell you what, at first i was scare that this will hurt me a lot, i will spend my night crying for hours then fall asleep( perhaps it sounds dramatic but it happened, girls know how it is) but then i think that is it the same as while we stay together? i also cried a lot. not to mention he left me with no news for a week. girls, can you imagine how i feel? we didnt meet for months and suddenly he disappeared, i dont know where to find and who to ask. gee! but its okay, i take it as karma because i ever made mistake. so girls, its okay to let go someone if you think you have no reason to stay for any longer. why you have to be the one who is hurting while the other just chill? think smart. things i hate about being girl is that everything is about feeling. its like feeling over logic, sucks.

anyway. i do believe that God will give the right person to me, wait for it. im looking forward for the right person, who can appreciate and care more. funny how i used to love him so much but when im free from him, free from worrying about where he is, what he is doing, i dont want him back when he ask for second chance. enough is enough.

good thing takes time.

note for girls (and boys) : the word "break up" is the most sensitive word, seriously. before you said it, you had better think what will happen before you regret. good relationship do not say this kind of word in any situation but when one party said so, then he or she really mean it.

since i wrote nonsense for so long already, so i post some pictures okay?haha i know it is not related but yeah.. i just want to add lil bit colors in this post.

 

me , Rut ( location : in the rooftop of our university )

after break up, the biggest fear is memories. when it attacks and all the feelings come, i screw up. as day goes by then i find out that its just a fase and im gonna act cool with that since i couldnt cry anymore because all the feelings lost and i feel numb. it takes time. obviously.

xx,

nessa

THOUGHTS.

hey mates! lately it was such a gloomy day for me, although it supposed to be a beautiful-cloudless-day before Christmas. this Christmas is definitely the best Christmas i ever had, if my parents are open-minded and not over protective, like you know. it is just too much to be honest. so this is the problem that make me feel sad and gloomy kind of thing. last week, exactly on 12 December 2016, i joined a challenge given from one of radio station in my country. the challenge basically is just so simple, all i need to do is make a lyric card from JOOX application then post it on my Instagram. two days after i was being called by this radio station and live streaming with them, which was awesome, and briefly i am one of the winner who will go to Philippine and watch David Guetta!! how amazing is that?! I can't ask for a better Christmas present for sure! then, all kind of drama happens when my mum know this news. well i know in the first place that she wont let me go because i have experienced when i got scholarship in Jakarta, she didn't let me go either. so yeah, whatever.. im done. but things get worst, she don't even let me go plus she mad at me and make it seems like all is my fault because i joined this challenge. i was like, damn! am i wrong joining this challenge? in fact, i don't even think that i am the winner tho. 

now. all im doing is just go to my bedroom, sleeping for hours without eat and communication because i dont even know what topic to talk about anymore since everything im doing is just a mistake from them. basically i don't know exactly im a open-minded, full of dream kid or my parents are just unsupportive, not open-minded or what. my bestie, Verine, said one day i will get my freedom. yea. hopefully. what for it. ugh.

[ now playing : Shaking Ground - Freedom Fry ]

well, i am apologize if i talk a lot today. it just you know since i don't talk much in reality, writing everything from my mind to my blog is a thing for me. and oh! i do appreciate for those you read my blog. ( love you guys!xo )

i think this is the most uncherish blog post i ever write. gee 

i do hope *finger crossed* my mum and dad will change their mind and let me go since the due date is 4 January 2017. 

xx,

nessa