THIS IS WHERE ALL START BEGINS.

Hei mates! so if I can say, February 2020 is the beginning of all. Starting from moving to new town, leaving all bad habits, "safe activity", and acceptance behind. Is it tough? 

Well, I never thought these coming but I go through it all. I have to. I meant, I'm about to go 23 this year and all I do now isn't only for today but thinking about what happen in the future as well. Not only about me, but my parents too. 

Maybe if you are a newbie reader of my blog, you definitely don't know what I go through these years. and yes, it pays off but funny that sometimes I'm thinking of "am I moving to Jakarta isn't a right idea?" but somehow I just know, I'm not that easy to give up and I definitely not going to let my parents down after they made a major decision to let me pursue my dream. 

Though and scratchy beginning. 
The first three paragraphs are just my abstract mind and thought before I explain everything. 

So since senior high third year, I got scholarship in Binus University but my mum didn't let me move to Jakarta because she said that because of financial issue. well, I can't force her because I have to think about her perception too. In short, I gave up. Years after years went by and I try to ask for permission about my intention to pursue my dream job as writer at Jakarta. Parents aint let me, again. In reason of I'm their only child. Maybe you think that I'm such a selfish chick that only think of what I want, not considering every factors. 

People that only judge by what they see will say so, but different with people who actually see me day by day. I literally live under pressure, about all people racism thought because of me as appearance, about I don't have right to study what I really passion of which is journalism, about that religion I want to choose. I'm exhausted. Funny that I don't realize all pressure right after my cousin literally tell me right in my face, and everything seems so clear. I'm living under control. 

Since then, I keep on asking permission although I have to face all rejections, tears, and anger. but I won't stop convincing them and here I am, moving out of town like exactly what I want since 2014. Happy? of course! Sad? Big yes, because I'm feeling that I can't leave my parents but now looking at both of them really appreciate one and another, looking so sweet. I'm beyond happy for them.

Things that actually make me thinking am I making a right decision is that when I'm facing rejection  after rejection while looking for a job. It was devastating, totally out of my expectation. Not because I never looking for a job or something, but thinking I put my best and I still failed. Am I not good enough? Or this just aint my time. Looking like all fresh from my skin but inside, I'm crushed.  

I'm just too hard on myself, my cousin told me. 
Am I? Well, Maybe. It's because I really want to make my parents happy and start giving back, financially. Although they don't ask for it but I just wanna start giving, I meant I'm about to hit 23 this year. 

But somehow I just know that everything happens just in the right time. All I and you have to do are keep on fighting and pray for it. 
And I know that on my upcoming post, I will write about my new job. #yay

If you are going through like I am now, it's totally fine. you are adult now and now or later you will always facing rejection. Therefore, just that it as motivation because in the end everything will be just fine. 

xx,
nessa


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